Dirty Catholic

Tales from the Ambo

There seems to be a proliferation of unpracticed Lectors lately.

At a staff meeting, the following anecdotes were shared:

One Lector came in late and didn't see the Lectionary.  So instead she brought her daily missal up with her. Rather quickly, two things became clear: she had a missal with reflections on the readings that connected them to modern experiences, and she had an inability to turn a single page at a time. The combination of these created the following modernized proclamation: "Moses and the Israelites arrived at the Red Sea (one page turn too many) and cars were everywhere. Traffic was just completely stopped. ...The Word of the Lord?"

Then there was the Lector who spent the entire reading describing the "Friar Sis" and the "Sad Jewses" who were arguing with Jesus.

And most fresh in our mind was this Palm Sunday, when it sounded like Jesus was involved in some sort of human-trafficking from the cross, crying out, "Elly, Elly, Lemme sell back Tony!"

Perhaps you have some tales from that Ambo that you'd like to share in the comments?

(And perhaps your community, like mine, could profit from this awesome website put out by Net Ministries, which offers a transliteration and audio guide for the pronunciation of biblical words.)

Not My Heroes

Dear Co-Worker in the Vineyard,

I am sorry about your termination.  I am not that sorry, though, since you've had your foot out the door since last fall. Based on all the job interviews you've been telling me about since then, I'm sure you'll find something new very quickly.

In the meantime, could you please turn down the volume on the "Heroes" marathon that you've been watching in our shared office? Your termination has probably left you feeling like you've got nothing left to lose, but believe me, if you push me past the breaking point with all the dramatic music and soap-opera quality dialog, you will discover that you still have quite a lot to lose. (Your fingers, toes, and the ability to walk are a few items that come to mind.)

And even though I, Ms.Blogs-At-Work, am not one to judge how you spend your work day, I would appreciate if you'd show a little decorum about your slacking. At least give the appearance that you are doing something valuable.  The popcorn-and-soda, feet-on-the-desk routine is a little much. I am tempted to schedule a surprise meeting with our mutual boss just to get you to put your shoes back on. That, and to watch you scramble to look productive as he walks in.

Yours in (the-very-angry-throwing-things-in-the-temple) Christ,

DC

Interrupting Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

...To talk about the church. Apparently, I just can't resist.

I spent yesterday glued to the computer creating all sorts of heretical bilingual Gospel translations and choosing which Mass responses would make the cut to be included in the worship aid.

("Peace be with you?" In!  "Lamb of God?" Out!)

While working, I got an obscene number of calls on my personal ("How did you get this number?") cell phone from parishioners inquiring, "Are you alright?" and "Are you going to stick around?" and "Is your job safe?"

It took me until the third call to figure out that my co-worker sent out his swan-song email detailing his ("I was thinking about leaving because you couldn't afford my raise but now I'm really leaving because you can't even afford my salary") departure.

It's not a lay-off, exactly. He was going to leave because he needed more money. At the same time, budget issues emerged and now, unless he wants to work for free, he has to leave.

So now everyone is asking me, "Are you next?"

It's Big Fun.

Just in case, I have some fun new things to add to my resume:

1. Theological trend-setter: Encouraged the entire parish to adopt environmentally-friendly Lenten practices in March 2008. Shortly thereafter, the Vatican officially listed environmental degradation as a sin.

2. Author of "Leading Catholic Blog," as listed by an online search tool.

Yes, you can have my autograph, but hold on just a sec, I need to take this call- Pope Benny is on the line- I think he might be offering me a job.

Signs That Your Church Job Might Be In Peril

1. A serious deficit is discovered after the bookkeeper retires.

2. Your boss asks, "How would you feel about going part-time?"

3. Your coworkers start printing out help-wanted ads from nearby parishes and leaving them on your desk.

Disco Jesus

People mistakenly assume that I work for the Church out of some sort of altruistic and faithful motive.

Not True.

The major reason that I work for the church is for the tchotchkes, though using a Yiddish word to describe Christian kitsch is probably in bad taste.

I knew I was on the right track when I scored a Virgin of Guadalupe statue painted in the colors of the Mexican flag from the "Don't-Want-It-But-Can't-Throw-It-Away" Bin in the parish office.

I can't believe I waited this long to share this with you, but for Christmas I got a gift from a parishioner that literally kept me from quitting my job.

May I present: Disco Jesus

Yes, Disco Jesus is 1.5 cubic inches of pure faux-crystal, laser-etched Diety placed on a three-color alternating led-light base. Turn out the lights, put on some music and party with Our Lord and Savior, Disco Jesus.

The best part is that if I place him just so under the dining room chandelier, he lights up the whole room with His Glory.

Awesome.

I know you are jealous, but don't be. There's a link in Catholic Kitsch for one that might be just as cool.

Not In My Job Description

I was reading my job description recently as part of a self-evaluation. In light of this, I have rewritten, for your enjoyment, a job description that seems to more accurately reflect to the work I do.

Title: Director of Religious Education
Pay: Negligible

Job Description: Oversee the complete and on-going faith formation of the entire parish, including, but not limited to, the children and adults. Implement and maintain any programs, retreats, or liturgies to achieve this end.

Job Duties:

1. Convince the parishioners, especially school parents, that Sacraments are valuable experiences of Grace, and not class morale building exercises.

2. Serve as confidante and ad hoc spiritual adviser to a number or parish staff members, in particular, those who do not get along with each other. Maintain a sense of balance and discretion.

3. Send bills, meeting reminders, attendance records, and letters of reference out on a weekly basis.

4. Retrieve soccer balls and settle playground disputes.

5. Oversee parking lot crises to insure a just and equitable settlement for damage.

6. Find lost children and run temporary child-care services out of your office.

7. Run liturgy committee meetings.

8. Light to medium housekeeping, including, but not limited to, emptying the trash, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and dishes.

9. Teach classes on Sacraments, Social Justice, and Scripture at neighboring parishes.

10. Fix computers and internet connections. When problems arise beyond your skill level, wait several days or weeks for IT firm to help.

11. Maintain a personal computer with the parish database and work document back-up for use when Parish networks are (frequently) down.

12. Provide supervised community service opportunities for juveniles with a criminal record.

13. Plan receptions, parties, and celebrations for gatherings of 5 to 500 people.

14. Recruit and train liturgical ministers, cantors, catechists, and secretaries.

15. Carry on conversations with people in languages that you don't speak.

16. Talk yourself and/or others out of quitting on a bi-monthly basis.

17. Accept other duties as needed.

Spoiled

Am I an evil person if I am annoyed by the fact that I have to empty my own trash can at work?

Or rather, am I an evil person for complaining about emptying all the trash cans in the vicinity of my office while the parish priests get a house cleaner, a cook, and someone to do the laundry?

Is that the trade off for getting to have a sex-life? Because frankly, when I'm staring down five overflowing trash cans that have to be taken down the street in the rain (uphill both ways) to be emptied, celibacy seems like a much better deal.

One of THOSE Days

Today I worked from 9am to 10pm- I had 5 meetings and only 1/2 hour to get 3 hours worth of work done.  At the last meeting of the day, my boss looked surprisingly confused when I said, "Screw that plan. It just means more meetings!"

In other news, Mr. Man, the workaholic laywer, has been coming home at 5pm each night while I'm working until 10pm.  When the roles were reversed, I started a blog.  His solution?  Second Life.

Good Lord Save Us. 

Inspiring the Faithful, One Mousepad at a Time

I lost the mouse pad that I had at work. Don't ask me how. These things just happen when you work at a church. They are kleptos, man, the whole lot of them.

Even though it's about the same size, I am tired of using my calendar as a makeshift mousepad. I keep forgetting it on my desk at night and then I miss meetings scheduled for the next morning. Plus, I've caught myself saying more than once, "Let me write that in my mousepad."

So I'm looking for a new mousepad. But not just any mousepad- I'm looking for the tuxedo tee shirt version of a mouse pad, something that says, "I'm religious, but I came to party."

Here are some options:

or

or

or

or

So what do you think?

more at twiigs.com...

The Armpit of the Body of Christ

Dear Jesus,

Please save me from your followers.

Especially the ones who take the Book of Revelations literally and want me to take 3 hours out to my day to let them convince me that they are right. You know, they're the same ones who read the Left Behind series as if were a work of non-fiction. 

And save me from your followers who write lengthy books, plays, and music that they want me to read and get published for them. Because, you know, I have "connections".

And save me from the people who want to start huge projects like day-care centers and interfaith organization but really, they just want to name them and let me do all the work.

And save me from the ones who add my work email to their religious themed chain-email list and forward me pictures of Fabio Jesus and inspirational messages that threaten my damnation if I don't perpetuate the theological torture on others.

And save me from the ones who are always talking about rules but never about prayer.

And finally, save me from the bingo players.

Yours in...You,

Dirty Catholic