Dirty Catholic

Listen Here!

Speaking of Faith has a great show featuring the many different voices of lay Catholics.

Give it a listen and have your faith restored in the future of the Church.

So You Chose Crappy Godparents...

Hi, you there? You who found this site because you typed "revoke godparents" into Google?

Welcome. Y'all should form a club or something, because there are a lot of you.

So, did your kid's Godparents embezzle your money? Did they become atheists? Did they move to France?

Let me make this painless as possible.  It will be quick, like ripping a band-aid off a hirsute woman:

"How can I change or remove people as Godparents?" 

You can't.

The Church won't change the certificate or the record books. Sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, the role of a Godparent is to offer spiritual guidance and conversation to your child as he or she grows. They also serve as witnesses for the church records. Nothing more. Godparents don't get your kids when you die, nor are they on the hook for paying for the graduation party.

The Godparents you chose sound like lousy bastards who were ill-equipped for the job to begin with. So good riddance! Be done with them! I suggest you find more stable, church-going friends who your kid likes, and invite them to be "Spiritual Advisors"  or "Pre-Confirmation Sponsors" for your child. Hell, call them "Godparents" if you want. Who cares?

Perhaps you could screen the unofficial replacements with questions like these:

"Do you ever plan to embezzle money from us, or have sex with my spouse?"

"Do you plan to leave the one true church for the fiery abyss anytime in the next 20 years?"

"Any plans to move to the Netherlands?"

That sort of thing. If they answer "No," to all the questions, then I think you're safe.

Then, as a last measure, give them this book:

It is an excellent resource and gives Godparents (and "Godparents") great ideas for initiating spiritual conversations and giving frugal baptismal-themed gifts.

You will FINALLY have people in your children's lives who will actually talk about God! Who cares if their name is on the certificate?

And the ex-patriot atheist embezzlers will never know.  Unless you write them a letter telling them what crappy people they are...

But that wouldn't be very Christian of you, now would it?

You Know What They Say About A Group With A Long Acronym...

Happy National LGBT(QASIPO) Pride Month!

As you can imagine, we in the Bay Area get a little worked up around this time of year, what with the parades and parties and all.

Now I realize that this might be a sticky issue for some of you out there in Catholic/Christian land.  Particularly those of you who aren't friends with any real live gay people. It's easier to get your panties in a bunch about the relative morality of the issue when you haven't become friends with someone who's actually affected by it.

In honor of the month, let me introduce you to Justin. Justin is a real live gay man who will share his views on Gay Marriage and  Homosexuality in the Bible with you! Read the whole thing- you wouldn't cut off one of your friends, now would you?

To be fair, I'll also introduce you to Ron. Ron is gay and celibate. He'd probably make a great priest if he were Catholic.  He'll share with you why he has chosen to be abstinent.

Finally, if you're feeling frisky, go visit the Bishops and see what they have to say. It's surprisingly progressive. (Well, it's hardly a go-ahead, but they do encourage LISTENING and PRAYER over outright condemnation. It's a small step forward.)

I want you to also know how effin' lucky you are to know Justin & Ron. I had to sit through a semester-long course on biblical theory to get just a teeny bit of this stuff. You have it presented on a plate in 30 minutes or less!

And finally, in gratitude for Justin & Ron laying it out on the line for us, I encourage you to pray for them both, because we all know dating sucks, and so does abstinence.

End note: Respectful comments are allowed. If you are rude or excessively confrontational, I will shut down the comments and block you from this site.

I Love My Box

Are you familiar with Community Supported Agriculture?

Let me acquaint you:

Small, local organic farms team up and bring you a box of fresh, seasonal produce every week.
If you are very lucky, (and have $7 extra bucks) they also bring you flowers.

You get organic fruit & veg for less than it costs at THE DEVIL and you get to be a smug catholic hippie because you are helping the environment.

And for no additional charge, you can pretend you are Iron Chef each and every week, dreaming up new ways to use the delights you find.

Like this week, what the hell am I supposed to do with a bunch of fresh dill? Beats Me! Potato Salad, maybe? Pickles?

From the recent glut of zucchini and some leftover cherries, I got busy last night and made this:

Yummy. The Cherry Jam "recipe" was courtesy of David Lebovitz, and the Zucchini bread from Cooking Light.

Do you want to join a CSA, too?  Join mine! They are cool and the delivery women don't shave their armpits! I belong to FULL BELLY FARM, for who's Hoes Down celebration I shamefully rearranged next year's Sunday school schedule. (Because Jesus loved bobbing for apples. It's true. Mark 13:38- "Watch as I bob for apples!")

For Your Special Relationship

Inspired by a misprinted Mother's Day card I found at the store, I've developed a line of alternative Mother's Day greeting cards. Enjoy!

Front: Mom, I feel like I can tell you anything...
Inside: I'm gay.

Front: Some sons never find a way to tell their mothers how they feel...
Inside: (blank)

Front: Mom, now that I have kids of my own, I can't help but wonder...
Inside: Will you babysit?

Front: Mother, I was going to buy you a present for Mother's Day...
Inside: But I decided to send you the bill for my therapy instead.

Front: Mom, on this day that we celebrate the joy of motherhood, I just wanted to say...
Inside: I'm not getting married or having kids anytime soon, so back off.

Happy Mother's Day!

National Poetry Month III

XVII (I do not love you...)
          by Pablo Neruda
          translated by Stephen Tapscott

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

National Poetry Month, II

65
     -e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of allnothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

National Poetry Month

Briefly It Enters, and Briefly Speaks
                                by Jane Kenyon

I am the blossom pressed in a book, found again after two hundred years. . . .

I am the maker, the lover, and the keeper. . . .

When the young girl who starves sits down to a table she will sit beside me. . . .

I am food on the prisoner's plate. . . .

I am water rushing to the wellhead, filling the pitcher until it spills. . . .

I am the patient gardener of the dry and weedy garden. . . .

I am the stone step, the latch, and the working hinge. . . .

I am the heart contracted by joy. . .

the longest hair, white before the rest. . . .

I am there in the basket of fruit presented to the widow. . . .

I am the musk rose opening unattended, the fern on the boggy summit. . . .

I am the one whose love overcomes you, already with you when you think to call my name. . . .

You can call me Miss Manners

When staying with friends while traveling abroad, it is a considerate idea to bring a gift for the host and/or hostess. These "hostess gifts" are an expression of your deep and abiding appreciation for the generosity of your friends who straightened their house, provided a bed with clean sheets, and  laboriously removed their dog's hair from the sofa so that you do not leave the house each day looking like their dog, Shmookums.

Like all gifts, you want to find something that will both delight and not inconvenience your host. To ease your selection, here is a list of good -and not so good- ideas for the host & hostess.

Good gift ideas
Wine or favorite liquors
Specialty foods from your region (I find that expats really like Taco Bell salsa packets)
Flowers in a vase or a potted plant

Bad Gift Ideas
The stomach flu
A new pet
Head lice

Because "Miracle on 34th Street" makes me throw-up a little bit in the back of my throat

On the "Movies to Watch Before Christmas" list:

The Ref

Home for the Holidays

RENT

Love, Actually

When Harry Met Sally

The Ice Storm

The Christmas Story

What are your favorite Christmas movies?
Or, what are yor favorite movies that have a minor Christmas theme?