Dirty Catholic

Didn't Get the Memo

The woman who asked the Rabbi speaking at our church if he was aware of a) the ten commandments and b) Jesus Christ.

Also, whoever hung the picture of 1960's altar boys directly across from the toilet in the office bathroom.

Fortuitous Felicity

It began with a phone call that I feared was my brother-in-law asking why I wasn't at work yet, but turned out to be my old friend, Christine.

After work I walked through a shop looking for a dress that I wanted to try on. Instead I pulled this of the rack and it made me laugh out loud.

On my way back to the car,  I passed a street performer playing the accordion and dancing a little jig.

Stuck in traffic, I watched in delight as a sixty-year-old man skipped down the sidewalk toward me.

Finally at home, I overheard the girls in the backyard behind us playing some mysterious game that involved yelling, "Disco Pony, I believe!"

Well thank you, Disco Pony, for this surprisingly delight-filled day.

Funny, because it's true

Sometimes The Onion is like an oracle of truth.

Priest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites

This reminds me of a time I was working for a large arena liturgy with this other guy, a complete moron who kept messing things up that I had to fix, and all the priests ignored me and fawned over the guy. "You should totally become a priest!" they told him.

Just your average Sunday

What Mr. Man and I  saw on our walk home from church last Sunday:

Knights fighting under the Rockridge Bart

A "sexy pirate" putting stuff in her car

6 guys playing basketball at the local elementary school- on unicycles

You know, like you do. 

Liturgically Transmitted Disease

The Archbishop of San Fransisco seems to think that the swine flu is a liturgically spread disease.  At Mass this Sunday, were told that due to swine flu, we would not receive the Blood of Christ, we were instructed to refrain from holding hands during the Our Father, and told not to touch each other during the Kiss of Peace until the end of the Easter season. Because apparently the cure to the Swine Flu is Ordinary Time.

I was frankly shocked at this announcement, and grateful that I was visiting the diocese, not living there. There was a cute 2 year old who apparently didn't get the memo and she walked up the aisle offering to peace to just about everyone during the Mass. A classic little San Franciscan conscientious objector.

It just seems silly to me to get all worked up about this flu that is more media frenzy than anything. People can opt themselves out of these activities if they are worried about catching it. Making the decision for us just seems ridiculously paternalistic and puts a bigger priority on the media's wildly swinging opinions than the holiness of the Mass. We should know better than this.

Ah, Swine Flu, how I grow tired of you.

The Latest Trick

Have you ever found yourself about to cry in a situation when you would really rather not?

Yeah, me too.

But take heart! You too can avoid embarrassing "I cried a the Dentist" moments with my (not-yet) patented "Jack-in-the-Box" method.

Step one: Watch this commercial.

Step Two: When realizing that you are about to lose your shit, quickly imagine a random series of unrelated items. Apples! Bunnies! A rowboat! Electricity! Confetti! Keep imagining these things until the urge has passed. Repeat as necessary until you have located a friendly shoulder to cry on.

I imagine this might also work for being really, really, pissed off. Anyone with anger management issues is welcome to try it and let me know, but only if it worked.

A Tip for the Tooth-Troubled

If you dentist has a foot-fetish, don't wear sandals to your appointment.

You don't want to distract the person holding a drill in your mouth.

Not Invigorating

Note to self: Do not chug a cup of coffee 5 minutes before your 7am excercise class. 

Stick It To Me

I never thought I'd say this but...I miss my acupuncturist.

Dude. Those magic needles, which were intended to help get me knocked up, instead helped me sleep through the night for the first time in YEARS and (here comes too much information) poop like a regular person. (Pun intended)

So even though I took the month off from the baby-oriented needles, I called her up for the side-effects.

I have an appointment with 15 straight pins this afternoon that I'm eagerly awaiting. Maybe it will also help me approach tonight's election-result-watching-bar-hopping-political-tour with a zen like sense of calm.

I'm sorry, I was asleep.

What the heck? Is it November already? I'm sorry, I was busy getting into political battles on Facebook. I don't think my friends ever really believed me when I said I have REALLY CONSERVATIVE family members, but now there is no doubt.

In related news, I am having a recurring dream about Barack Obama, and because the website doesn't appear to have been updated recently, I guess I'll have to keep it to myself.

Finally, as I am slowly trying to convince myself to really quit my job, I went to the feast day celebration at work and did a little as possible to help out, and found that things turned out fine without my meddling. Sometimes it's a relief to realize that you aren't that important.