Dirty Catholic

A Glamorous Day in the Life of a Lay Ecclesial Minister

9am- oh craaaaaaaaaap. Late for a meeting. LATE LATE LATE!!! Run out the door.

9:30am- Meeting starts late anyway.

10am- Just finished the Opening Prayer part of the meeting. Nobody cried this time.

11:30am- Wondering how long I can listen to facilities updates without pulling my eyelids off.

11:45am- Hoping that "Sending Emails" looks to everyone like "Taking Very Detailed Notes."

Noon- Meeting over. Sing Happy Birthday to staff member and begin eating AMAZING chocolate cake.
12:02pm- Coworker pulls me away from party and cake for post-meeting-mini-meeting.

12:05pm- Looking longingly at cake. 12:08pm- Hoping nobody else eats my cake.

12:10pm- Pause meeting to yell, "I'm not done with my cake! Don't throw it away!"

12:15pm- Mini Meeting over. Eat Cake. It is delicious.

12:20pm- Chatting with a coworker.

12:40pm- Still chatting

1:00pm- Still chatting

1:20pm- Sit down at my desk in the copy room. Begin to work.

1:25pm- Another coworker wants to chat.

1:45pm- Still chatting.

2:00pm- Still chatting.

2:05pm- Coworker leaves. Realize I don't have documents coworker promised to give me.

2:10pm- Looking for documents in email

2:20pm- Looking for documents in printer

2:30pm- Asking coworker for documents

2:40pm- Looking through 38 books where documents "might be."

3pm- Catehchist stops by office. We chat.

3:05pm- Catechist casually flips through one of the 38 books I was searching. Finds documents. 

3:06pm- Retrain myself from inappropriate hugging-and-kissing of Catechist in gratitude. High five instead.

3:10pm- Catechist leaves. Sit down at desk to work.

3:11pm- Another coworker wants to chat.

3:12pm- Keep working and pretend I didn't hear....murmurer "hmm???"

3:15pm- Coworker still chatting. 

3:20pm- Still "Hmmm-ing"3:30pm- Coworker asks question. I have no idea what was just asked.

3:31pm- I say, "Hmm??"

3:32pm- Coworker says he's glad I agree and leaves.

3:33pm- What did I just agree to?3:35pm- Oh Craaaaap. Late to another meeting!!!

3:45pm- Wondering why one of the meeting members is suddenly speaking with an Irish accent. Nobody else seems to notice.

3:55pm- the accent...4pm- the accent...4:05pm- the accent stops abruptly.

4:10pm- Conversation about screaming children at Mass begins. All eyes on me. 4:45pm- Still on the loud kids. Do they realize I don't have kids?

5pm- Leave meeting with 8 new job tasks. 1-7? Do something about loud kids.

5:10pm- Head home to try and get some work done.

5:11pm- Coworker stops me and wants to chat.....

The People at Your Parish

The Social Justice Lady: She's always complaining that the money used on the Christmas and Easter decorations should have been given to the poor.

The Parish Secretary: The one you need to apologize to when she messes up.

The Skeevey Guy: He takes the "kiss" of  "kiss of peace" literally.  But only with the ladies.

The Priest Nobody Understands: Just where is he from, again?

The Humane Vitae Couple: She teaches NFP, he always sneaks "the evil of contraception" into every conversation, and they like to corner young married couples and ask why they aren't pregnant yet. Also, they have 8 kids. 

The Low-Talker: You leave every conversation with her not knowing half of what she said.

The Pastoral Associate: The one who looks like she hasn't slept in 5 years.

The Family Who Lets Their Kids Run Up and Down the Aisle During the Eucharistic Prayer: Doesn't noticed the clenched teeth when someone says, "My, what energetic children you have."

The DRE: She's always telling everyone what to do in a loud, sing-songy voice. 

The Super-Republican: Has a "Palin 2012" sticker on his fancy car.

The Hippie: Wears a "Jesus was a Liberal" tee-shirt and bikes to Mass in sandals.

The Convert: Is a better Catholic that you. And likes to tell you about it.

The Reluctant Teenager: Won't talk to you at Church, but wants to "friend" you on Facebook.

The Newly Engaged Couple: It's our first time here. My, this is a pretty church. Is it free June 16th?

The Sacristan: Older than Moses, with more energy than Elijah. And, she was at your Baptism.

The Confused-Looking-Dude: Hasn't been to Mass is 10 years. Hoping to meet hot chicks. Won't be back next week.

The Hot Chick: She's married.

The Music Director: Has lots of opinions. Mostly that everyone else is doing it wrong.

The Gay Guy: See Music Director

The Nun: Really?!? Where?

The Lady Who Hugs Everyone on Her Way to Communion: She may not have known you yesterday, but you are her favorite person today.

The Youth Minister: Shows up late to most meetings, and says "like" and "y'know" an awful lot for a 45-year-old.

The Angry Catholic: Likes to talk exclusively about everything that is wrong with the church, yet mysteriously keeps showing up.

The Person With Bad Gas: You don't know who it is, but why are they always sitting right next to you?

The Guy Who Lived Through Vatican II: And wants to tell you all about it. Again.

You: The only normal one.

Am I forgetting anyone else?

It's My Birthday!

I love my birthday. I love it so much, in fact, that I have avoided going to work on my birthday every single day of my life... until today.

But despite that, the universe has given me two wonderful things for my (ahem)th birthday. Firstly, the universe (or more appropriately, a tech named Dee) fixed the internet service to my house, which has been broken, lo these past three weeks.

Secondly, (and the news to which I alluded waaaaay back in July) I am back in the game! I just took a job at our local parish. Once again, I will be leading young minds astray (or rather, leading their teachers astray) with talk of a shamrock God and bread turning into flesh and all sorts of other illogical nonsense.

For now I am also keeping my secular job at the battery company, as they are both part-time placements. But man, it it nice to be doing work that matters to me.

Hooray!

Music Man + Church Ladies = New Job?

This weekend Mr. Man and I made the last-minute decision to go to the parish a mile from our house rather than drive 20 miles to the parish where I work. The local parish has been struggling in recent years, its beautiful large building filled with a very small community. The upside of small is that everyone seems to know each other and they can recognize new people, which is next to impossible at a 1,200 family parish like my own.

"Massing Elsewhere" (as I like to call it) is also a delightful opportunity to be a normal Catholic. To just sit in the pews and pray and not have to be the boss of anybody or anything is a rare treat. It is one of the few things that can refresh me when I'm feeling like I'm tired of the Lay Ecclesial Minister (LEM) life.

So Mass Elsewhere we did, with me on the down-low and Mr. Man his usual loud-singing self. After Mass, not one, not two, but three separate women came up to Mr. Man and invited him to join the choir. Each time he replied, "Sorry, we go to St. Who-si-whats-it because my wife works there and we're just visiting because we live nearby." And each time the ladies said, "Well, is she changing jobs soon?" I told them that if they'd like to pray to find me a job nearby, I'd be just fine with that.

So now the local church choir is praying for a new job for me near home. Perhaps you'd like to join them?

Top 10 Thoughts While Ascending, by The Blessed Virgin Mary

1. Hey Guys! Here I come!

2. Wow! It's like an angel elevator.

3. I hope these angels are strong. . .

4. Maybe I should have gone on a diet.

5. Did I leave the stove on?

6. Shoot! I forgot my sunglasses.

7. All those people down there look like little ants!

8. Where's my suitcase?

9. Watch out for the birds!

10. Why didn't I wear pants?

Mañanitas

Happy Feast of Guadalupe!

In the past I have explained my deep affinity for Our Lady Guad, and today I have an even greater debt to her. I owe the fact that we are currently sleeping happily in our new house and not suing the former owner to the intercession of our kick-ass lady, who happily reminded those involved of their root values.

Of course, this morning at 4:30am, when the battery in the fire-alarm started beeping every 30 seconds, I couldn't help but think she wanted some Mañanitas signing as a thank you.

"Thank you, Lady" I yelled. "Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing!" Then we fixed the beep and went back to bed.

That's My God!

It appears that Mark Morford and I have similar conversations with God. 

God is such a snarky fellow sometimes.

Month of Mary

I love it when Mary shows up in my peanut butter & jelly sandwich. It's like she's stopping by for lunch.

Happy Mary Month!

How to Become "A Regular"

Do you go to St. Ginormous of Hippo? 3,000 enrolled families? Nobody knows your name?

Here are 10 different suggestions, some more effective than others, about how to become "A Regular":

1. Stop by the Parish at least once a week. (There are many convenient service times to choose from, and we're open on Sundays!)

2. Every time you go to Mass, talk to the priests, deacons, and/or staff members who greet you as you enter or leave. Introduce yourself by name.

3. Continue to introduce yourself by name each time you see a priest, deacon, or staff member until they greet you by name. (Repeat this process with each staff member of the parish)

4. Volunteer for a ministry. Be regular and dependable.

5. Start your own ministry.

6. Enroll your kids in the parish school or faith formation (CCD) process.

7. Convert from another religion. Spend a long time in RCIA.

8. Volunteer in the Parish office. Not only will you get in with the real seat of power in the parish (the secretaries) you will also get to meet all the staff.

9. Write a letter to the pastor once a week complaining about some liturgical abuse or something the priest said in his homily.

10. Donate a large sum of money.

Baby Got Book

AWESOME! My self-esteem in Graduate school would have been vastly improved if this video was around back then. (And listen for the Catholic shout-out!)

Thanks to AJ and "GodTube" for this one!