Dirty Catholic

Games with God

So, I know you're busy with world peace and all, but could you please heal my chicken?

I know there are tons of kids with cancer who's parents are also praying, but if you have time, could you throw some efficacious-God-healing-power toward...my chicken?

I know it's your will and all, but really, how is a backyard chicken's living or dying going to disrupt your grand plan? So why not let her live?

Did you get that? Sick chicken? Needs help? Thanks.





ps- Thanks for the help with the chicken. Now can you help her fly?

Fancy Feathers

Dear Featherless Tall Thing That Feeds Us,

Up until now, you've been quite good at suppling us with tasty items to eat. Unfortunately, recently you've become a little lax. Hopefully you will find this clarification letter helpful in regard to our preferences.

First of all, were huge fans of the McCann's Steel-Cut Irish Oats. Lately it seems that you are trying to give us Quaker's Quick-Oats instead. Seriously? You don't even eat that stuff, unless it is in oatmeal cookies. We'd probably like it in cookies, too. But until you have time to bake us a batch, please bring back the good stuff.

Secondly, Frisee. We love frisee. We love it even more when you hold it and let us pull it our of your hand. Spinach, romaine, and whatever other stuff you've been tossing to us from the bottom of the salad spinner simply will not do. We realize you may think it's expensive, but what's $3.00 a head when we'll be giving you free eggs for life? We want the frisee, and remember: hold it for us. Would you like to eat off the ground?

Also, what is that on your plate that you are eating right now? We want it. Please stop moving around. You are making it hard for us to eat your dinner.

Sincerely,

The Chickens

Trouble

They look so cute and mild mannered, just sitting there.

But then, when we realized that they had gotten here:

ON TOP OF THEIR CAGE, we began to think that we're in trouble.

Just Like a Chicken

After 5 years of dealing with First Communicants and 1 month of dealing with Chickens, I present:

The Striking Similarities of Chickens & First Communicants:

1. They follow the one in front of them, even if the one in front of them has no idea what s/he's doing.

2. When you say, "Come here," they don't.

3. "Bewildered" is their most common facial expression.

4. They like to pick at whatever is nearest to them.

5. The girls have funny things on their heads.

6. The boys are noisy.

7. You have to chase down the one that you need.

8. They don't want to be where you want them to be.

9. Most adults lose their capacity for rational thought in their presence.

10. They have a hard time paying attention to anything for longer than a minute.

Three Things I Did This Weekend

1. Purchased a coffee table

2. Shaved Mr. Man's back hair

3. Picked up some pet chickens