Dirty Catholic

Halloweenier Than Thou

Did you ever see that video a conservative Catholic put up on Youtube of the Halloween Mass in Orange County?  (Especially entertaining is the video's description in the sidebar, and all the related material that comes up.)

Well, just in case you have a church-related Halloween event, here are some mostly-biblical costumes that couldn't logically offend all the Catholics out there who are more conservative than the Pope:

Daniel: Pin a bunch of lions (stuff animals, pictures, etc) to your shirt.

Rebekah: Wear a gold nosering, 2 gold bracelets, a scarf over your head, and if you want to get really fancy, a water jug. (Noserings are biblical! Doh! Genesis 24:22)

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: It's a group affair with three people in fireman costumes and a optional 4th dressed as an angel. (Daniel 3:16-25)

John-the-Baptist: Put on your robe, sandals, and carry a bucket of water. Also, splash people.

Salome & (dead) John-the-Baptist: A couple's costume! Your favorite sexy-dancer outfit for one, and a plastic platter around the neck of the other.

The Trinity: A two-headed man costume plus a bird on your shoulder, pirate-style.

Anonymous-Follower-of-Jesus: Naked! (Mark 14:51-52)

The People at Your Parish

The Social Justice Lady: She's always complaining that the money used on the Christmas and Easter decorations should have been given to the poor.

The Parish Secretary: The one you need to apologize to when she messes up.

The Skeevey Guy: He takes the "kiss" of  "kiss of peace" literally.  But only with the ladies.

The Priest Nobody Understands: Just where is he from, again?

The Humane Vitae Couple: She teaches NFP, he always sneaks "the evil of contraception" into every conversation, and they like to corner young married couples and ask why they aren't pregnant yet. Also, they have 8 kids. 

The Low-Talker: You leave every conversation with her not knowing half of what she said.

The Pastoral Associate: The one who looks like she hasn't slept in 5 years.

The Family Who Lets Their Kids Run Up and Down the Aisle During the Eucharistic Prayer: Doesn't noticed the clenched teeth when someone says, "My, what energetic children you have."

The DRE: She's always telling everyone what to do in a loud, sing-songy voice. 

The Super-Republican: Has a "Palin 2012" sticker on his fancy car.

The Hippie: Wears a "Jesus was a Liberal" tee-shirt and bikes to Mass in sandals.

The Convert: Is a better Catholic that you. And likes to tell you about it.

The Reluctant Teenager: Won't talk to you at Church, but wants to "friend" you on Facebook.

The Newly Engaged Couple: It's our first time here. My, this is a pretty church. Is it free June 16th?

The Sacristan: Older than Moses, with more energy than Elijah. And, she was at your Baptism.

The Confused-Looking-Dude: Hasn't been to Mass is 10 years. Hoping to meet hot chicks. Won't be back next week.

The Hot Chick: She's married.

The Music Director: Has lots of opinions. Mostly that everyone else is doing it wrong.

The Gay Guy: See Music Director

The Nun: Really?!? Where?

The Lady Who Hugs Everyone on Her Way to Communion: She may not have known you yesterday, but you are her favorite person today.

The Youth Minister: Shows up late to most meetings, and says "like" and "y'know" an awful lot for a 45-year-old.

The Angry Catholic: Likes to talk exclusively about everything that is wrong with the church, yet mysteriously keeps showing up.

The Person With Bad Gas: You don't know who it is, but why are they always sitting right next to you?

The Guy Who Lived Through Vatican II: And wants to tell you all about it. Again.

You: The only normal one.

Am I forgetting anyone else?

Tinkling Rite

Last weekend there were 7 baptisms at Mass. And it was the new priest's first time baptizing. 

At the parish parents can opt for a full immersion baptism with the baby lowered, bottom first, into the water, or the more typical forehead splashing. The priest can tell who wants what because the full immersion babies are naked. Bare-bottomed, chubby bellied, gloriously naked. Parents who choose full immersion usually have 2 questions. First, "Is the water cold?" and second, "What if our son...you know...???"

The Pastor always says, "Yes, the water is warm!" and "In all my years, I have never seen any accidents. No Peepee Teepees are needed." Clearly the pastor is unfamiliar with Murphy's Law.

So for the first Baptism, the naked baby was lifted up in the air and then plunged down into the water. Alleluia! Then, deliciously fat towheaded naked baby #2 was lifted up in the air and.... an arc of tinkle sprayed up, up, up in the air and down, down, down...into the baptismal font. Alleluia! 

And what do you do? Stop the baptisms? Clean out the font? Repeat, again, the longest water blessing on earth?  Eh. Urine is sterile, right? Proceed!

Baptisms #3-7 were of the more typical splashing-on-the-forehead style, a decision which I am sure the parents deeply regretted at that moment. (Pee on the bottom? Fine. But pee on the forehead?) Nonetheless, the parents were all troopers and did not object to the Holy(pee)Water. The only objection, in fact, came from a 5-year-old boy who sat near the font yelling, "Eeewww!" every time another child was baptized. Alleluia!

While the children were being changed into their new white clothes, and probably having their heads wiped down with anti-bacterial gel, the new priest dutifully marched around the church and sprinkled the tinkle on us all. Alleluia!

Funny, because it's true

Sometimes The Onion is like an oracle of truth.

Priest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites

This reminds me of a time I was working for a large arena liturgy with this other guy, a complete moron who kept messing things up that I had to fix, and all the priests ignored me and fawned over the guy. "You should totally become a priest!" they told him.

Top 10 Things That Happened In the 2 Months Since My Last Post

10. Chainsaw on a 10-foot pole = AWESOME

9. Discovered that there are people at Mr. Man's Firm that I actually like

8. Made Pear-Ginger, Apricot, and Vanilla-Peach Jam

7. Chicken vs. Raccoon? Raccoon Wins.

6. Discovered that Monterey Bay Aquarium is even better when you are drunk.

5. Lost the watch on my wrist, but found 5lbs on my ass

4. Began the INSANE amount of paperwork for adoption

3. Set up a Nursery

2. Started my new job at the local parish

1. Decided that I should work at the new place a while before I started making fun of them on the Internet